I thought about quitting.....then I realised who was watching!

Happy bank holiday guys, I'm writing this entry as it's the anniversary of my brothers death and I always try to mark it or do something. Usually this would involve seeing my mum but as we're in lockdown, this isn't possible at the moment. So I've done a video that I sent too her to let her know I was thinking of her and my big bro today, as always!

https://youtu.be/feIh0owjvc0

This lockdown has really been difficult for me, I think it is for everyone! There is a constant feeling of the unknown and it's scary. Something I used to take for granted like going out for a coffee, or going to lectures, I now will appreciate more than ever when this is over.

If I was saying my mental health hasn't been affected by this I'd be lying. I assume most who don't have a mental health condition have struggled. I was managing dealing with another physical health issue related to my chronic illness, and then lockdown happened and tipped me over.

I thought about quitting, leaving this life and not been around....then I realised this is an opportunity for growth. It's an opportunity to refresh my meal plans and get to grips with the routine of eating at home, to spend my time preparing for my degree in September and also to look after myself so that when all of this is over I can spend time again with the ones I love! Opportunity for a spring clean may also arise.

I'm signing out for now, but for all of you struggling in these topsy turvey times hang on in there, the sun will shine again and we will enjoy the freedom, time with loved ones and appreciate our health a little bit more.

Thank you to any keyworkers; police, the NHS staff who are amazingly working hard at the moment, the supermarket staff, pharmacists and anyone else keeping the country running at the moment! It makes me grateful to be joining the midwifery profession when I start my degree and I'm rooting for you all at the moment.

Claire x

I absolutely love this! Self love, care and respect is something most of us deny ourselves ❤️

DBT everyday keeps the units away!

Despite me been at a point a few months back, maybe even weeks ago I was point blank sure that DBT wasn’t the right therapy for me at the moment. This is part of my recovery cycle, I resist change....you might even say I resist the stability because it scares me. When you can’t regulate your emotions easily and you haven’t got the skills to deal with certain situations, been happy or been stable can feel just as unsafe as been destabilised and suicidal.

Surprise  surprise, DBT is giving me the skills I can use to live an emotionally healthy life. This week as always I’ve done homework for the group therapy. Building mastery has  meant that I’m trying to do skills or hobbies that give me mastery! So uni reading, crafts, singing, yoga....and doing my blog.

As I write this I feel at this point DBT in itself is mastery. Everyday I’m building mastery to be able to cope and I feel the tables turning this week! If I keep recommitting by using skills and going to appts I can live the life I would like to live.

I guess breaking the cycle where I get to this point I’ve been at quite a few times before and using the skills to be mindful of not sabotaging to get the ‘safety’ of my behaviours back is a huge skill to have!
I just wish I hadn’t spent time undoing my life and resisting what would help me!

Cloudy Skies

Hola, 

It's been a while since my last post. I've had quite a few things on....Hugo turning 3, DBT Therapy  (which is a full time thing when I'm using it correctly), time with the bambinos (which has been amazing), Reuben turning 5 and many other things. 

This week has been overcast and quite a cloudy week. I've been upset and not in a great place emotionally. Which has been an absolutely hard week......but I've made it to Friday and looking from the outside in and taking a step back. I see that this time last year, a week like this would have meant a stay in a unit, with me been willful (which I'm really good at) and no output apart from harming myself and lashing out at others around me. This has been slightly different, it's been horrible and felt like hell on Earth, but I've managed to use my DBT skills and my 121 therapist for help with this. I'm really lucky I think, and blessed that I've been able to endure this week of upset by sleeping in my own bed at night, been able to continue my Uni work and been able to stay in life. So every cloud has a silver lining. 

I've done another video for India (and the boys of course). The lyrics remind me of my gorgeous little girl (who is stubborn like her momma), and it reminds me that I'm here to hold her hand and tell her it's going to be ok and that I will move mountains for my children. Which is exactly how cloudy weeks like this feel. But I'll doo it for them!!! I've just been reminded of my goals and who I am foremost, a mummy! 


'And you can't find the fighter
But I see it in you so we gonna walk it out
Move mountains
We gonna walk it out
And move mountains

And I'll rise up
I'll rise like the day
I'll rise up
I'll rise unafraid
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
And I'll rise up
High like the waves
I'll rise up
In spite of the ache
I'll rise up
And I'll do it a thousand times again
For you'

When life gives you lemons.....sing!

I've done the blog video after a week thinking aboutletting go of my 'bubble' and changing. This song also remember nods me of how hard I've had to fight for the kids and to be alive daily.





Lost without you ❤️

High functioning.....the lights are on but nobody is home!

I feel like I've had a block in all the recovery work I've done before, like there's a mass of confusion when someone tells me to draw upon the skills I've learnt. Yes some skills have stuck and have become easier over time. But the hardcore work that I did in inpatient treatment and all the skills I should have learnt and have been given have totally not been learnt/kept on board. Be this because been in treatment while you have 3 children and a husband at home to organise still is hard, been a low weight and not been able to retain the info during psychotherapy and I think the basics of it is I am high functioning, which means that from the outside I can walk the walk........but I fall short on walking the walk.

I see this is a problem for some of my friends who also have mental health issues. If you hold down a job and what seems to be a social life from the outside then inside you don't appear to have struggles. Not just talking about the everyday challenges people face in life but the hardcore struggles that BPD, depression etc can bring. It's hell on earth. And most days you are just so scared and not sure what way to move for the best.

I guess I'm admitting that although I've been fortunate to have a lot of input and help I don't necessarily know how to cope in those times of crisis apart from muddling along. I don't have the skills and it peeves me off when people assume I do. I'm that confused inside that i don't know what to do anymore and it is scary. My friends think because I appear to be moving on and getting dressed each day that I'm dealing with things but it's far from the truth.

And accepting this thought and moving forward, is hard because it's accepting that things aren't ok and that I'm not perfect I guess in a way. I like to think that everythings ok on the surface and that I'm a failure if I have to ask for help. I need help in this moment to rebuild my skills. I am doing an 8 week plan to get me from here until the next time with the children.

I'm grateful as always for my 3 beautiful children and grateful for the pictures I got of them from Lolly yesterday. They are amazing and have such courage to have gotten through the last confusing year and me been poorly before, and this gives me amazing strength because if my bambinos can do it then so can I.

Singing to distract and survive

It is what it says on the tin! Singing again to provide some release and some kind of outlet rather than self destruction..........