High functioning.....the lights are on but nobody is home!

I feel like I've had a block in all the recovery work I've done before, like there's a mass of confusion when someone tells me to draw upon the skills I've learnt. Yes some skills have stuck and have become easier over time. But the hardcore work that I did in inpatient treatment and all the skills I should have learnt and have been given have totally not been learnt/kept on board. Be this because been in treatment while you have 3 children and a husband at home to organise still is hard, been a low weight and not been able to retain the info during psychotherapy and I think the basics of it is I am high functioning, which means that from the outside I can walk the walk........but I fall short on walking the walk.

I see this is a problem for some of my friends who also have mental health issues. If you hold down a job and what seems to be a social life from the outside then inside you don't appear to have struggles. Not just talking about the everyday challenges people face in life but the hardcore struggles that BPD, depression etc can bring. It's hell on earth. And most days you are just so scared and not sure what way to move for the best.

I guess I'm admitting that although I've been fortunate to have a lot of input and help I don't necessarily know how to cope in those times of crisis apart from muddling along. I don't have the skills and it peeves me off when people assume I do. I'm that confused inside that i don't know what to do anymore and it is scary. My friends think because I appear to be moving on and getting dressed each day that I'm dealing with things but it's far from the truth.

And accepting this thought and moving forward, is hard because it's accepting that things aren't ok and that I'm not perfect I guess in a way. I like to think that everythings ok on the surface and that I'm a failure if I have to ask for help. I need help in this moment to rebuild my skills. I am doing an 8 week plan to get me from here until the next time with the children.

I'm grateful as always for my 3 beautiful children and grateful for the pictures I got of them from Lolly yesterday. They are amazing and have such courage to have gotten through the last confusing year and me been poorly before, and this gives me amazing strength because if my bambinos can do it then so can I.