If there's one thing......

“If there’s one thing that I may tell you,
Let it be: You are your home,
Your body is the only house
That you will ever truly own,
Maybe it’s got some broken windows,
And there are tear-stains on the floors,
Maybe you lock the things you wish you weren’t
Behind its many doors,
But there is wisdom on its bookshelves
And a laugh to light the rooms,
There’s a vase upon the table
Where the love you’ve grown all blooms,
Dreams sit on the mantelpiece
Next to kindness and your trust,

Where you use them all so often
They have no time to collect dust,
So please don’t look at mansions 
With that envy in your eyes
There’s more that makes a home
Than its appearance or its size
Your body is your shelter
So you deserve to love it all,
Don’t let the world stand round outside
And tell you how to paint your walls,
How lucky that you have somewhere
To protect you from the night,
And if there are cracks left from the past?
well then they just let in more light”

Make the decision....Everyday (take 2)

I've recently hit another rut with therapy and recovery. I've been given an amazing opportunity to get well with the psychotherapy and a great community team, but I've been delaying the process by avoiding therapy (happens alot when I don't want to look at the situation/what's going on, and it's taken me a while to admit that).

Today I put my big girl pants on and went to therapy, and it actually made me realise a few things. We spoke about many things - How I was angry after last session and went skating/exercised to get rid of the anger/avoid it. Which I shouldn't be doing as it leads me onto all sorts of other routes of self destruction, plus my body is now haggered (thanks to my avoidance techniques). One of the things we spoke about was the metaphor of me abusing myself constantly as a repeat of what was going on when I was a child. We have spoken about this before, bit dark for my liking on a Weds afternoon but it reminded me that maybe it's not the way to keep going, it's not the best to continue to not look after myself. And this is really hard, because I feel something we touched upon is right. That by me been so poorly at the moment it shows my ex, and family/those around me that I'm totally not ok with the situation, and I'm seething about what has happened. But admitting that today feels ok. I know that if I start to let go of my behaviours that I will be ok.

We said it's like there's a mafia in my body, and the mafia is giving me orders to keep me 'safe' and unfortunately those orders are abusive and destructive. It's the mafia that tells me if I don't drink water that I'll be lighter, and that will be ok......it's the mafia that as soon as I start to get a bit better, tells me I'm doing the wrong thing and that I need to retract all my good work. This really helped me. I think I need to start stepping out of the bubble and deciding is this situation/decision helpful for me and the munchkins, and maybe it's time to be selfish and say no to anything that's not good for me. I've been here before though recently so standing up to this mafia is a constant decision and a long battle.

So for once, therapy didn't really make me boil over. And I'm glad I stood up to the mafia and went (my internal mafia, not my therapist).

Mwah x

Bumps in the road....bumpety bump bump.

Thinking this might be more of a rant for me rather than be helpful for anyone else, I apologise in advance!

I've spoken in therapy about how I am going to deal with bumps in the road.......this is after failing to maintain my recovery after my marriage broke down and the children went with my husband because of my mahoosive relapse. In the past I had learnt to deal with everyday challenges, sometimes even savouring the achievement I had from getting over them. Some nights when the children had gone to bed, or during the day I'd ring my ex hubby and be ecstatic about the day that I'd faced a fear food, or managed to keep my cool during the school run and turn it into a fun experience (a bit like Mary Poppins really).

I started to tolerate these bumps when we got our nanny when I had Hugo. Pregnancy with Hugo was massively hard, I appreciated been pregnant however it didn't make it any easier. When we got our nanny it was like a weight had been lifted. I started to feel a bit easier about things and she helped massively. I owe alot to her and love her for loving my babies like her own.

Anyway, the tolerance of day to day life built up and last Feb (2017), I found myself been in a place of recovery that I hadn't been in for many many years....maybe even never. I was happy with myself, happy with my little family and life was better for us all. I'm not saying it was perfect but it was a lot better. Unfortunatley in June events unfolded that lead to this crumbling. And I'm wondering how I managed the bumps in the road over the year and before that.

Well I think my mum and sister have helped with the bumps, they've been my output. My care team, crisis, therapy....everyone have helped with the bumps that have occurred daily that I haven't been able to 'handle' at the time. It's nearly a year on and yesterday I had one of the biggest meltdowns for a few months.....over weight gain after a freaking drip the other week.

But if I try and zone in to the rational side of what's helped me in the past I stumbled over an analogy that someone in an inpatient ED unit explained to me once. Along with the recovery work I used to do daily to get me to a happy place last year I think harnessing on to this today will help me massively. I'm just going to accept the weight gain, as my sister said last night when I rang up to be comforted in my sorry state.....'Too right, about bloody time'. Thanks Lolly!

So here is the grasp of the analogy;

It's like been colour blind. If you're colour blind and you see orange, you think it's orange because you see it but you know it's colour blind and therefore have to trust others to tell you what it is really. It's the same with anorexia....part of the anorexia is distortion, just like been colour blind. 
One thing you can be sure of is if you see a colour you can't change it but you can trust others and accept it.

My diagnosis is anorexia, I may not see anything when I look in the mirror but a fat sausage but I need to accept that this is distortion (which is part of the diagnosis)! It's knowing that what I see is messed up. All the illness does is lie. Anorexia doesn't and will never tell me the truth.

xxxxxxx

Reading that gives me peace inside and I do realise what I've overcome in the last year. Maybe I could celebrate this weight gain and think that's the first hurdle and carry on.........

Weight restoration is life restoration. It's my babies and me, singing in the car on the school run to Little Mix (yes I know all the words as do the kids)!

Simplicity in me

At the moment I've been feeling a bit happier with things as the sun is out and I've spent time listening to The Greatest Showman whilst sitting in the sun. However it doesn't mean I have forgotten about my babies, infact that's all I think about.

I even had a time last week when I skated and I felt like Claire again.....whoever she is! The 19 year old Claire before marriage, kids and life happened. I felt free and to feel that reminded me there was a time when I didn't struggle as much and things were steady. I did the regular things like work, go on holidays, eat out, go on days out......I lived!

When the children came along (and even when I first got married), I lived but not in the same way I had. Life was more controlled, I was more scared to colour out of the lines.....I was scared to live. I still am, my life is a lot simpler at the moment without the chaos (fun chaos) of daily life with my munchkins, but I still struggle. It's not a choice i hear myself saying but I wonder if to a point it is, whether it's conscious or not.

There's an unconscious part of me that keeps going, that keeps living....despite my daily thoughts to not live anymore. The part of me that wants to live, goes hand in hand with been a mummy. It goes along with the purest feeling I've ever known of holding my babies for the first time. Those first few nights in the hospital alone with them watching every breath they take. I've never been great at emotions or even seeing the reality in situations, and for me that's something that I know I felt and that I know was how I was really seeing things. Those moments are the simplest of moments and it's just pure and beautiful. When I have chaotic moments or chaotic times I go through the kids memory boxes or snuggle with their blankets just to remind me and ground me.

I think it's fair to say at the moment life is scrambled and day by day trying to recover and fight for the 3 tiny humans I brought into the world is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Anything else seems a bit easier than not been with them. I've never known pain like it. The separation from them clouds every moment of every day, even when I feel I'm doing well. I am nothing without my children. I'm proud to be their mother and I'm proud of every little bit of them.

So when I'm next feeling like I can't go on, or struggling with the recovery tightrope I might look back at this to remind me that theres 3 reasons to go on and 3 reasons to live.......maybe 4 if I include prosecco or gin! And Haribos.........