Simplicity in me

At the moment I've been feeling a bit happier with things as the sun is out and I've spent time listening to The Greatest Showman whilst sitting in the sun. However it doesn't mean I have forgotten about my babies, infact that's all I think about.

I even had a time last week when I skated and I felt like Claire again.....whoever she is! The 19 year old Claire before marriage, kids and life happened. I felt free and to feel that reminded me there was a time when I didn't struggle as much and things were steady. I did the regular things like work, go on holidays, eat out, go on days out......I lived!

When the children came along (and even when I first got married), I lived but not in the same way I had. Life was more controlled, I was more scared to colour out of the lines.....I was scared to live. I still am, my life is a lot simpler at the moment without the chaos (fun chaos) of daily life with my munchkins, but I still struggle. It's not a choice i hear myself saying but I wonder if to a point it is, whether it's conscious or not.

There's an unconscious part of me that keeps going, that keeps living....despite my daily thoughts to not live anymore. The part of me that wants to live, goes hand in hand with been a mummy. It goes along with the purest feeling I've ever known of holding my babies for the first time. Those first few nights in the hospital alone with them watching every breath they take. I've never been great at emotions or even seeing the reality in situations, and for me that's something that I know I felt and that I know was how I was really seeing things. Those moments are the simplest of moments and it's just pure and beautiful. When I have chaotic moments or chaotic times I go through the kids memory boxes or snuggle with their blankets just to remind me and ground me.

I think it's fair to say at the moment life is scrambled and day by day trying to recover and fight for the 3 tiny humans I brought into the world is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Anything else seems a bit easier than not been with them. I've never known pain like it. The separation from them clouds every moment of every day, even when I feel I'm doing well. I am nothing without my children. I'm proud to be their mother and I'm proud of every little bit of them.

So when I'm next feeling like I can't go on, or struggling with the recovery tightrope I might look back at this to remind me that theres 3 reasons to go on and 3 reasons to live.......maybe 4 if I include prosecco or gin! And Haribos.........