I've spoken in therapy about how I am going to deal with bumps in the road.......this is after failing to maintain my recovery after my marriage broke down and the children went with my husband because of my mahoosive relapse. In the past I had learnt to deal with everyday challenges, sometimes even savouring the achievement I had from getting over them. Some nights when the children had gone to bed, or during the day I'd ring my ex hubby and be ecstatic about the day that I'd faced a fear food, or managed to keep my cool during the school run and turn it into a fun experience (a bit like Mary Poppins really).
I started to tolerate these bumps when we got our nanny when I had Hugo. Pregnancy with Hugo was massively hard, I appreciated been pregnant however it didn't make it any easier. When we got our nanny it was like a weight had been lifted. I started to feel a bit easier about things and she helped massively. I owe alot to her and love her for loving my babies like her own.
Anyway, the tolerance of day to day life built up and last Feb (2017), I found myself been in a place of recovery that I hadn't been in for many many years....maybe even never. I was happy with myself, happy with my little family and life was better for us all. I'm not saying it was perfect but it was a lot better. Unfortunatley in June events unfolded that lead to this crumbling. And I'm wondering how I managed the bumps in the road over the year and before that.
Well I think my mum and sister have helped with the bumps, they've been my output. My care team, crisis, therapy....everyone have helped with the bumps that have occurred daily that I haven't been able to 'handle' at the time. It's nearly a year on and yesterday I had one of the biggest meltdowns for a few months.....over weight gain after a freaking drip the other week.
But if I try and zone in to the rational side of what's helped me in the past I stumbled over an analogy that someone in an inpatient ED unit explained to me once. Along with the recovery work I used to do daily to get me to a happy place last year I think harnessing on to this today will help me massively. I'm just going to accept the weight gain, as my sister said last night when I rang up to be comforted in my sorry state.....'Too right, about bloody time'. Thanks Lolly!
So here is the grasp of the analogy;
It's like been colour blind. If you're colour blind and you see orange, you think it's orange because you see it but you know it's colour blind and therefore have to trust others to tell you what it is really. It's the same with anorexia....part of the anorexia is distortion, just like been colour blind.
One thing you can be sure of is if you see a colour you can't change it but you can trust others and accept it.
My diagnosis is anorexia, I may not see anything when I look in the mirror but a fat sausage but I need to accept that this is distortion (which is part of the diagnosis)! It's knowing that what I see is messed up. All the illness does is lie. Anorexia doesn't and will never tell me the truth.
xxxxxxx
Reading that gives me peace inside and I do realise what I've overcome in the last year. Maybe I could celebrate this weight gain and think that's the first hurdle and carry on.........
Weight restoration is life restoration. It's my babies and me, singing in the car on the school run to Little Mix (yes I know all the words as do the kids)!
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