Make the decision....Everyday (take 2)

I've recently hit another rut with therapy and recovery. I've been given an amazing opportunity to get well with the psychotherapy and a great community team, but I've been delaying the process by avoiding therapy (happens alot when I don't want to look at the situation/what's going on, and it's taken me a while to admit that).

Today I put my big girl pants on and went to therapy, and it actually made me realise a few things. We spoke about many things - How I was angry after last session and went skating/exercised to get rid of the anger/avoid it. Which I shouldn't be doing as it leads me onto all sorts of other routes of self destruction, plus my body is now haggered (thanks to my avoidance techniques). One of the things we spoke about was the metaphor of me abusing myself constantly as a repeat of what was going on when I was a child. We have spoken about this before, bit dark for my liking on a Weds afternoon but it reminded me that maybe it's not the way to keep going, it's not the best to continue to not look after myself. And this is really hard, because I feel something we touched upon is right. That by me been so poorly at the moment it shows my ex, and family/those around me that I'm totally not ok with the situation, and I'm seething about what has happened. But admitting that today feels ok. I know that if I start to let go of my behaviours that I will be ok.

We said it's like there's a mafia in my body, and the mafia is giving me orders to keep me 'safe' and unfortunately those orders are abusive and destructive. It's the mafia that tells me if I don't drink water that I'll be lighter, and that will be ok......it's the mafia that as soon as I start to get a bit better, tells me I'm doing the wrong thing and that I need to retract all my good work. This really helped me. I think I need to start stepping out of the bubble and deciding is this situation/decision helpful for me and the munchkins, and maybe it's time to be selfish and say no to anything that's not good for me. I've been here before though recently so standing up to this mafia is a constant decision and a long battle.

So for once, therapy didn't really make me boil over. And I'm glad I stood up to the mafia and went (my internal mafia, not my therapist).

Mwah x