Thanks to my body

Dear body,

I know we've been at war for years now and I've abused you to the point that you've given up a fair few times. But I wanted to try and say how much I am starting to realise what a beautiful thing I have in you!

It started this weekend when I went swimming, I had had thoughts last week of how much me been a figure skater had adapted my body to been able to push and push and endure all sorts. It got me thinking, and I realise I've never shown much appreciation for you at all. Just hate.

Let's start with thanks for my bambinos, again I always hated you for the several miscarriages we had had. Where in fact I have always said we had fought for our children and we were lucky to get our 3. You endured so much with the whole 10 pregnancies, the losses, the labours and recovering.....and all I did was continued to push you away. You housed my beauties for 9 months (give or take) and I want to say thanks for that. I remember looking in the mirror in hospital after having Hugo (C-Section) and thinking for a 29 year old with 3 children It wasn't a bad home but then that thought went and the pain continued.

I've read an article this weekend that basically said figure skaters condition their bodies, as all athletes do, to do their job. My training became my survival tool in many ways, most of all the escape of been the girl on the ice powering through. Thanks, because without you I wouldn't have my skating. I would never have achieved my dreams, I wouldn't have my skating family and I wouldn't have had the amazing opportunities that I have had. So thank you.

Leading on from that I think it's the training as an elite athlete that has given me the ability to withstand so much crap from the anorexia and self harm. 2 heart failures, a brain tumour and other stuff at 31 isn't anything to be proud of. But the way you have coped is. It's amazing that you're still fighting when really we should have been gonners a long time ago. When staff say to me there's something in you that keeps you going (much to my annoyance when I'm in crisis), but I think the root of that something is you. I've come to realise that I am so so lucky to be fighting when so many aren't.

I thought to myself the other day while swimming that I'm starting to struggle in my old age. Vicky said she didn't know how I could still do all the things I do. After much thought it's because I was conditioned as a figure skater. Conditioned to not show my strops until I got off the ice, conditioned to fall on my arse twenty times during training, conditioned to not answer back to my coaches, conditioned to get in for curfew (most of the times), conditioned to travel round with the rest of my rink rats wearing too much stage make up and hairspray but most of all conditioned to carry on. Not saying it's all airs and graces and I've clicked my fingers and carried on just like that. But carried on physically and mentally.
So thanks to my body, and thanks for not only reaching my dreams (my kids and my skating), and thanks for enabling me to do my job as a mum and still be here.  Thank you body for not giving up on me on the times that I had.

Claire xx

The Recovery Tightrope

I recently read an article on recoverywarriors.com (love that site so much), and it helped spur on a lightbulb moment....not just a little lightbulb either, like Blackpool Illuminations style power!

It went on to say how the lady who had wrote it had found recovery to be like a tightrope, that staying in the middle and having 'perfect' recovery wasn't how it was. I related to this lots, like in therapy this week we spoke about how my rose tinted glasses sometimes send me off into la de da mode where I sit in Costa all day pretending that my life is fabulous darlings......when it's not. I've always thought with anything really skating (that's a massive part of me and my past), being a mum, uni, work, marriage...anything really that I had to be perfect at it. Where in reality it's not. 

So yesterday I went swimming with my wonderful bestie Vicky. It was a recovery focused goal I've had for a while after dropping it when I got back from my last inpatient stint. We had a laugh and most of all it was real. I see that moment with Vicky as one of the little things in life I need to appreciate. For the first time in a long time I saw it for what it was. 

The water was calming and appearing in a swimming costume bothered me but I was with Vicky and it was safe. We later laughed in the car on the way home about my body worries and I said underneath my clothes I look like I've had 3 children.....Vicky just looked at me and we started laughing, she was like 'duh, that's because you have had 3 children' and talking through it made me see I was lightening up about these issues. Anyway, back to my swimming lightbulb moment. When I swam it wasn't all la de da, my chest hurt, my bones were painful and my muscles didn't push as much as I used to be able to (age and anorexia/bulimia haggering my body). I looked over to the baby pool and pined for my children to be clinging on to me in the pool too, pulling down my tankini top and revealing my nipples and small breasts to the rest of the leisure centre. I loved taking them swimming, I miss telling them off, I miss them moving things when I've tidied. I miss Reuben spilling Oreo crumbs all over my carpet and Hugo spilling juice on my sofa, I miss India pouting in my face when I tell her to put her positive pants on. Yes I've been poorly and I've been a total cow to live with during the marriage but I'm still a mum and I still have feelings. 

Put your positive pants on guys, happy Friday! 

Make The Decision Everyday

I've been blogging about my recovery sporadically for a few years. Nothing serious, just ranting here and there about things I felt have mattered. However my life has changed in the last year or so, to the point where I am now starting a new with it all. I've been inspired by reading 'The Unmumsy Mum', during one of the most heartbreaking weeks of my life and now as I've decided to get my shit together, I am now thinking blogging might help me and in turn help others. I don't have a lot of head space for much at the moment, apart from fighting to get my children regularly (ex husband probs, the struggle is real!). I need to start making the choice everyday to be well.

Over the years (since been 13) I've struggled with self harm, anorexia, bulimia, borderline personality disorder and a whole host of other things. Having my bambinos saved me in many ways, as did my husband. Turning it on it's head for a few reasons and I'm now 31 and living like Bridget Jones in a home on my own and spinning plates which keep falling over. Big pants and prosecco are the way forward.

I'm hoping this helps people as much as it helps me. Only an intro for now. India, Reuben and Hugo....Momma is going to make the decision everyday and I'm doing this for you guys. If you look back in years to come and think mummy struggled but she got there then I've done my job. Love you always.
xxxx