The Recovery Tightrope

I recently read an article on recoverywarriors.com (love that site so much), and it helped spur on a lightbulb moment....not just a little lightbulb either, like Blackpool Illuminations style power!

It went on to say how the lady who had wrote it had found recovery to be like a tightrope, that staying in the middle and having 'perfect' recovery wasn't how it was. I related to this lots, like in therapy this week we spoke about how my rose tinted glasses sometimes send me off into la de da mode where I sit in Costa all day pretending that my life is fabulous darlings......when it's not. I've always thought with anything really skating (that's a massive part of me and my past), being a mum, uni, work, marriage...anything really that I had to be perfect at it. Where in reality it's not. 

So yesterday I went swimming with my wonderful bestie Vicky. It was a recovery focused goal I've had for a while after dropping it when I got back from my last inpatient stint. We had a laugh and most of all it was real. I see that moment with Vicky as one of the little things in life I need to appreciate. For the first time in a long time I saw it for what it was. 

The water was calming and appearing in a swimming costume bothered me but I was with Vicky and it was safe. We later laughed in the car on the way home about my body worries and I said underneath my clothes I look like I've had 3 children.....Vicky just looked at me and we started laughing, she was like 'duh, that's because you have had 3 children' and talking through it made me see I was lightening up about these issues. Anyway, back to my swimming lightbulb moment. When I swam it wasn't all la de da, my chest hurt, my bones were painful and my muscles didn't push as much as I used to be able to (age and anorexia/bulimia haggering my body). I looked over to the baby pool and pined for my children to be clinging on to me in the pool too, pulling down my tankini top and revealing my nipples and small breasts to the rest of the leisure centre. I loved taking them swimming, I miss telling them off, I miss them moving things when I've tidied. I miss Reuben spilling Oreo crumbs all over my carpet and Hugo spilling juice on my sofa, I miss India pouting in my face when I tell her to put her positive pants on. Yes I've been poorly and I've been a total cow to live with during the marriage but I'm still a mum and I still have feelings. 

Put your positive pants on guys, happy Friday!